Michele Whoa-bama

Michelle Obama has the eye of the public upon her, a position that is not always enviable. There must be days when it would be a relief to just be able to make remarks without having them picked apart. Someone should read her the Miranda Act, only it's not the court of law where her words will be used against her. It's the court of public opinion.

Florence King claims that Michelle Obama suffers from having a jawline similar to that of Jane Fonda. It's true that Michelle looks kind of hard and mean. Kind of like the Other Mother, the Beldame of Coraline. Rob Long, of National Review, cast her during the presidential campaign as an advice columnist with a penchant for sending men in suits to visit those who asked questions that displeased her; and as a matter of fact, in his parody advice columns, she often commented on people being too fat.

Now Michelle, who is burdened with having to provide Barack Obama with his Afro-American bonafides, is also on the spot for having made remarks about her daughters being overweight. I have only seen her children in a few photos, but they looked like lovely little girls. Her remarks ring false. She is trying to tone down her arrogance, to sympathize with the parents of the nation's chubby children. She doesn't want them to hate her and her family because they are slim. Out of all the causes that she could have adopted, she has chosen to focus on overweight juveniles. She really can't win. If she were fat, she would be criticized for hypocrisy. Because she is thin, she comes off as arrogant, superficial and judgmental.

She has necessarily cast herself in the role of the one who wants to deprive the fatties, who already get teased, those who get chosen last on the team for the games in P. E., from the comfort they derive from the mouthful of flavor and texture: the twinkie, the nacho chip, the hot link. She has become every mean director of Oliver Twist's orphanage; all the P. E. teachers who were never satisfied by clumsy, unathletic children, the Warden of the work camp in Holes.

It's so unfair. All she and her husband (and the Democratic Legislature and much of the judicial branch (unfortunately that's all three branches of government)) want is to improve the lives of all of us unfortunate plebeians. They want to slim us down, lead us to correct thinking on the subjects of energy, the economy, health care, sexual morality, the climate, and international politics (what we must do and not do to make the Euros and Muslims love us). Why aren't they being appreciated for sharing their enlightenment with us?

Oh shut up and hand me another twinkie.